Life can be a struggle at times to succeed at what you really want to do. I find that struggling is the norm for me. I look out across the room of students before me and all that is returned are faces filled with disinterest. That is, if they bother to even look at me at all. I think to myself, I have to find a way to reach them. However, how do you reach those who do not wish to be? One, two, three, four, five. Five heads down, eyes closed, the text unopened before them, or left turned to some far previous page. I do my best to get each of them back on track as the reading continues, but only one thought is racing through my mind: This is going badly. How do I recover?
I can’t answer that question. I’m not even sure I want to. Twice already I have changed everything in an effort to connect with them. What began as active antagonism toward everything has turned into a cold indifference. I couldn’t begin to say which of these things is actually worse to endure. Should I stiffen up and soldier on, hoping they become willing to change, or should I keep changing and trying? Is it simple teenage rebellion or am I somehow lacking something that they expect of a teacher? I have no way of knowing for sure.
Tomorrow is another day. As they leave class looking like desperate prisoners who are finally being allowed to see light again, one of them at least bids me a farewell greeting. Of course, he calls me “Mr. Teacher” rather than to actually use my name, and as I recall he was asleep but not twenty minutes before. I hope he had a good rest. I’m not sure how easy I’ll be able to sleep. I’m unsure of where things are going and how I should change them to suit their needs. I probably won’t be able to sleep a wink, let alone through an entire lecture. I can always hope that with each new day a breakthrough might present itself and everything can be turned around. Until then, I have to try. It’s all I can keep doing.
Cameron,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I know at times being in front of all those eyes and blank stares can be overwhelming, but rest assured it does get better. Your story addresses a situation that we all have encountered one time or another, and I appreciate how candidly you discuss your frustration. I hope for all the best in your classroom with making a connection that engages your students and best of luck this semester.
Cam,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty regarding your frustration and your desperate struggle to reach your students. I know how you feel, because I feel like that sometimes too. You have the right spirit, Cam. You do not give up easily; you make yourself keep going. I respect and admire that. Your students NEED you to hang tough. I feel like you genuinely care and you want to be a good teacher, and I have no doubt that you ARE a good teacher. I know that it can be tempting to give in to that sea of apathy; please, continue to rage against it. Don't lose yourself and all of the passion that you have. Keep reaching out. Keep evolving. Sooner or later, things will work out. It's the climb that makes the man; the struggle that brings the reward. You WILL succeed.
I do not think that the problems that you face are really due to you or your behaviors. I am sure that it has something to do with the sad state of education. Many of our students have had damaging educational experiences with angry child-haters who hide behind the guise of "Teacher". It will be impossible for us to un-do all of those bad experiences, but we must try. Maybe we will be the tourniquet to a bleeding limb or perhaps we will only be a band-aid to a gunshot wound. Either way, Cam... We are doing SOMETHING to help. Better to do a little good than to do a great harm.
Keep your chin up, sir. You are smart, capable, and passionate; three traits of a master teacher.
- Mercy
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Cameron.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty in this reflection. The experience you reveal shows much humility and the questions you pose to yourself throughout are very relevant, as well. I am pleased that your piece ends with a sense of hope, which I hope spreads to the students in your pre-student teaching classroom by the end of the semester.
Good luck!
Cameron,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this, and I can tell you that I have students who are the same way. While it is nice to know that I am not alone, I am also sorry that others have to deal with it. I also think that having a CT to ask for advice is a huge benefit to us. I would much rather learn how to respond to and deal with students like this in my PreStudent Teaching semester than in my first year of teaching.
Jenna
Cameron -
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your reflection. I, too, have also felt the frustration of trying in vain to capture the attention and interest of students. I agree with Jenna that asking your CT, or any teacher, for advice would be very helpful. I understand the feeling of defeat that comes along with experiences like the ones that you have described, and it can be discouraging. All I can say is keep trying, keep trying, and keep trying. That's all you can do. Thank you for writing this, and thank you for your honesty.
Mr. C,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I wrote a nice long version of this but forgot to do my word verification before posting.
I will say again that I love your strong narrative voice and the creative non-fiction style of this piece. You bring to life your frustrations and anxieties in a way that are human and likable. You present yourself as doubtful and worried, something, I assure you, we all are.
Perseverance is the hardest thing sometimes. Tough placements, tough colleagues, and a feeling that you lack the proper support can drive you up the wall. Rest assured, however, that I know you are a bright and well read teacher who has something to offer a class. You will connect somehow, I know. If you can show this side of yourself to your students, perhaps they'll gain some perspective on what it's like to be in your shoes.